Wednesday, December 31, 2008

happy new year!

My page in this year has almost come to an end. As i take glance to what i have done, I see a person with a piece of regret with a hand down low. Some chances i had blown; some heart I couldn't avoid to break but still I couldn't count how many blessings I receive this year. Again, Myself has failed me to bring me to the point of expectation of someone with great hope.
2008 is very special to me because i found my better half. i have someone who i can be thankful for every single day of my life. He inspires me, He helps me make the right decision in life, He treasures me, He trust me, He motivates me,He respect me and most of all He Loves me for what i am and what i am not. I love him so much!!
I just want to thank first, my Family for being my inspiration, for giving me a second chance in my studies, who never give up on me though i have lot's of errors in life.
My Friend, who never leaves me in times of trouble, who always their to guide me and who always stand at my side no matter what happen.
My Hubby, He's the best thing that happen to me this year. I thank him for showing me what real love is and for giving me courage to face all the hindrance in my life.
and of course to our GOD all mighty! without him i am nothing, he's our savior, our father. Without him i don't have a supporting parents, wonderful friends and blooming love life.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Heart Sandtrap

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The more you struggle the more that sand pit of suspicion, doubt and jealousy will eat you up, where your reason and clarity will quickly be devoured by the hungry belly of acceptance. You’re in so deep you justify every intention, waiting for the sun to shine… but little do you know; only the cold lonely rain will wash it all away. Is it wishful thinking or denial? How do you know when your eyes have been tainted with so much and your mind enveloped by your heart? I know how you feel, I can imagine how it is to be caught in your own web of deception to hold together this fragile state you are in with barely visible threads that could be broken by a gentle breeze. I cannot blame you for the way you are, your heart is no longer yours for how can you think for yourself when you are only thinking for him/her? It may all appear crystal clear to me because I stand and watch on the outside thru this looking glass, how do I reflect this upon you? Detachment helps us to see clearly, but love will keep you alive… I guess we’ll leave it up again to the sands of time to unveil everything to you. In the fire of love, hate, deception, jealousy, and pain… the sand will heat into a mirror where only your reflections prevails and you will see that all the happiness and pain stems from the person you see in that reflection. So how do you want to feel?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas once again!

Christmas is very different now because of the economical crises that we are facing right now. our country is getting poorer because of the corrupt officials who keeps on stealing money from the people in fact our country is the second corrupt country in the word. Hell! can't stand for that. anyways, back to the topic... My Christmas is very different, me and my family used to celebrate Christmas in my aunt's house together with my other relatives. I noticed that we're only few, some of my uncles were not there and their family. One of my Auntie initiated a parlor game for us and for my younger cousins but only few participated and the those least expected people- the teenagers.. the younger once were busy playing games in the cellphone. i felt bad, it was for them but they don't mind but i can't scold them coz i don't want to spoil their day. Christmas if for the kids right? i let them do whatever they wanted as long as they are happy.
Then came the Gift giving.. One by one our Santa's came out with their gift. i got a new pedal from my cousin, a perfume and victoria secret body spray XD XD.. then i won a hanger from my other cousin. ha ha ha silly game! When i look around i noticed that my younger cousin's gifts was more on toys. i remember when i was at their age(around 4 i guess). i keep on telling my aunt to buy me a toy for christmas but they told me that "it's better to give you something useful rather than toys." Every christmas i recieve new dress, new shorts, pants, something that i can wear.
Well, I'm just comparing my generation and now. i don't feel bad, i actually love seeing my cousins play their new toys. as a whole, i had fun celebrating Christmas with my loved once. i already have my Christmas wish and thanks to my dad coz he granted it. till here ^_^ it's still christmas and my relatives will be here any moment now for lunch..

Merry Christmas everyone

Monday, December 22, 2008

cough this christmas

damn, been coughing my ass since Misa de Galo or 9 morning started. it's our country's tradition where Filipino's wakes up early in the morning starting December 16 to attend a mass that will start exactly 4:30 in the morning for 9 straight days until December 24. it said that if you were able to complete that 9 days. your wish will come true. I'm one of those million people who woke up early just to attend the mass but i'm not affter the wish though.
2 days from now and it's finally christmas yet i haven't start chrstmas shopping.i keep on telling my hubby that i really hate christmas rush because there are lots of people in the mall but i have no choice.. need to buy gift for my family, my friends, and my god childerens and this cough annoys me. i'm not feeling well lately, i actually have a fever for 4 days now.though i'm feeling a bit better now.
anyways, i love christmas so much... every year specialy when september arrives... i keep telling people that i can't wait for christmas. I love the blow of the wind that kiss my skin, the freshness of the air that relax me every time i breath, i love watching colorfull christmas lights in every houses that i passed by, i love hearing children caroling and i love the feeling of being carefree.
Christmas is really around the corner and i'm hell excited.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

shadows

Beyond the glance of my eyes, I could see a distant world where I am lost in the swirling sea. A dimension of love and illusion. Lonesomeness no one can explain nor can any advice take away the sadness away. I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore yet I’m killing myself to find myself a savior of my passion where I rest my soul in the finish line. I don’t want to fell in love with a dead boy or turned myself into a starfish that’s being cut over and over again.

My kindred spirit could wait in time of salvation where finally I found my peace. An eternalness of ever being to be with someone until time finally stops. But all I found is just lust and no love, is this what the world about nowadays? Flesh seeking for flesh, a delusion of wreckage in front before finally dust meets dust. Sorority of two hearts are so hard to find, maybe I just stop trying and be happy about my lonesomeness.

I talked with me today and he promised to stay with me until the end. No matter what the world changes into, he promised me he won’t change. People broken promises, but not him. People hurt other people, but not him. He protects me from the world, like a cocoon it surrounded me comfortably. We belong as one, he is me and I am him. No one could understand us, only us and there’s just us.

Clocks always ticking on me, like a smooth sea of pearls we clones each other until nothing left from the blue print. Nails on each back clutching to the beat every heart make and silenced it into the black dawn. Crying, flowing majestically upon gates of golden arrows soaring wildly in their heads like shadows speaking to me in my sleep. Blue fingers are taking my sight and placed it back in the tunnels of crystal and smile wisely as he turned his back to the world.

Monday, December 15, 2008

the epitomy of myself

It's 11:30 pm and i'm still here sitting in my room with my annoying brother. i have nothing much. Just simply hearing my thoughts from the day i try to avoid. My mind tries to swim back to the last 10 years where i am totally different from who i am right now. i mean lot of things life has taught me. People come and people go. I'm absorbing those valuable lessons and become someone much mature, sadly in bitter way.
Have you ever think that all people in your life will never, ever stay forever? They will leave you as soon as they had done their part in your life and you learned something from them. they leave you in so many different ways; some are not good ending as you want it to be. But it's true coz i experienced it for myself. Now that i'm turning twenty facing the fact that i have failed to fullfil my dreams since i was a kid. The dream of becoming somebody and have a great life somewhere in my choosen place has vanished in time just like that. i learned my lesson as i see my failures. that everything that i wanted to be supposed to happen. My perfectionism is tested and sees how i can handle disappointment, especially when it comes to me.
So here I am, ready or not, I must take the result that I didn’t get what I want in my own time. I always believe something bigger and better waiting for me in other time. Taming my anger for being disappointed by my own ego is so hard but it’s just another lesson I must learn.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Temptation

Loneliness… the feeling that made you want to be with someone to begin with. But now, after so long being with him/her, you feel even more alone. Alone because the one who is supposed to understand you, doesn’t, Solitude because what you like and what you want doesn’t seem to matter to him/her, and Cold because the heat and warmth that was once there has been replaced by anger and resentment. Alone and afraid to let go, hope feels like a song you haven’t heard in a long time, and when that tune plays in your mind, you wander to somewhere long ago. Long ago where once you might have been happy?

Then, out of nowhere, temptation comes along in the form of a fresh and juicy fruit. The temptation is perfect in every way, glistening and reflective, warm and happy to the touch. This is truly a heavenly bliss where nothing can go wrong… at least it would appear so to you. The apples in the supermarkets always look perfect and fresh because they are waxed on the outside to preserve its looks on the outside. However, you will find that after the first bite, and enough time passed, it will lose its luster and and its flesh will turn from a glistening white to a dullish brown. So… then what do you do? If each boat we jump is from one slow cooker to another, whats the point? The point is if you have gone thru this once, twice, too many times… then you are the problem. You are not happy with yourself and that is why you pretend to be someone you are not, someone to make him/her happy, someone to do what is necessary to be accepted… wanted. Then that someone you pretended to be becomes a prison to who you are, so you run away to the next temptation after another, but only to find you are merely breaking our of your cell, but not your prison. and your prison is you.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

I choose to jump off the cliff

I am walking over the hills on bright mid day, it feels humid but it actually is raining. Seeing everything that is none existing. Hallucinating. I’m breathing in difficulty for my air is really wanting but the feeling of catching up my breath is bliss. An emotion of which I have never thought is real. Trailing along black and white colored bushes with pink and blue colored birds, I pause. Hearing the birds sing their lullaby, looking at the bushes wave as seemingly fresh wind blows them in to proportion. Despite the dyspneic episodes, I still choose to pause. Though I know I should not to but to not hear them, nor to not see them, I know is a big loss. So there I am, using the fullest minute of my life. I guess? Watching them wave, hearing them sing. Endorphins flood in to my brain. Bliss. Nothing but sheer bliss. I am grateful. I am blessed. However, I know I also have to move forth. Seeing the horizon little by little. Yet the way there is difficult. The soil is mixed up of brittle sand and gloomy clay. A step up, is a big step of life. A step down, is a big step of life. Knowing when to step hard and when to step harder is a challenge. As it is a locomotive twisted claim. However, I am near there. The cliff’s edge. I am coming nearer. I now can smell the potassium at 49% and oxygen at 51. The horizon is bloody yet the water is clear. Seeing creatures vividly. Seeing flora amusingly. A shark invites me to plunge in. Yet I see, pointed rocks of steel everywhere. However, there’s a pretty cool 8 meter spot where pillows with crazy spongebob comforters float. But the sharks invitation to jump off is tempting, uncontrollably weakening my soul and sturdy thought. Crazy as I am. To think hard is never an option. Yet to think smart is. So there I am jumping off the cliff. Very glad for I am weightless.

As I am jumping off, people ideate, speaks blatantly, believing that I am foolish. Yet I know that to loose confinement to my so called “world” is one way of experiencing my existence. To dare take the risk of landing on pillows is never sure but it tests my worth as a person. My human value.

As of now I still do not know whether I am going to land safe. But one thing I am sure of, as I have chosen to jump off the cliff, I have lost my clutches from this world, as I believe that normative peace down there the sea awaits me.

DAMN!!!

so pissed off! because of my busy schedules i seldomly checked my blog and the result is ? from PR 2 it became a question mark... i'm so depressed again :( ... it took me about almost 2 months to boost my PR rank and yet it just crushed just like that. i'm really really sad. i was really hoping that before the end of the year i'll be PR 3. sorry chenee! too much expectation will hurt you. i'm starting to loose hope on this blog and blogging. hope you people will understand me why i felt this way. blogging is my life. maybe to some it's not a big deal. yeah! it's not really a big deal. i can reach that PR again right? it's just a PR... but the reason why i'm fretting because i expect too much... :(
anyways... better move on... there's a lot of things to than seating here in front of my pc.. need to get my aS$ of here coz i'm late again for school..


Ja ne`

Sunday, December 07, 2008

boredom

it's been a while since i last updated my blog and my life is a bit boring right now. having no internet connection at home kills me. can't stand staying at home without internet coz it'll just freak me out. sounds exagerated but it's true. aside from no connection. Final exam is fast aproaching and i haven't scan my notes. Our patron st feast is also fast aproaching and i need to think of an activity for that day since i'm the new elected president of Civic Youth Organization. Damn! have lots of things to do... but i haven't start doing my job. so lazy this past few days.