Saturday, March 14, 2009

How to own "HIS" heart

Let's face it. The two genders of the human race seem to function in two completely different ways. When we girls turned five, we became obsessed with Barbies, played make-believe family and had our first little girl crushes. When guys turned five, they decided to pretend to tear each other to pieces, make believe they were in epic battles, and of course, decided we girls have cooties.

So why is it that we two types of the same species seem to be living in two different worlds? That I couldn't tell you. What I can tell you, though, is what to do when you find that guy. The guy you truly truly care about....The one you don't want to mess it up with. That means, don't accidentally push him away before he's had the chance to fall in love with you.

Now, like most girls, I've had my share of heartbreaks, painful ends, and all the glitz and glamour us girls seem to both love and hate. But eventually you get tired of the drama and just want to be with a guy that you can settle down with for a while. When that time comes, here are a few pointers to actually keep that guy. Some pointers that would be useful from a handbook in life.

Let's start with all the things that can go wrong first. Say you meet the perfect guy. He seems to be able to read you perfectly, and you have a gut feeling that he's your soul mate or something.

What NOT to Do

1. Open up all the way. Sure, he seems to be the perfect one for you. If he really is the one, if you spill out all your dreams and desires, he'll immediately open up to you too and it'll be happily ever after from there, right? WRONG. Any guy, especially a guy who's so good at being acute to what a girl wants, is not going to be attracted to a girl that throws herself out there on the first date. Why would a guy read the novel if he can read the one page summary? Besides, mystery leaves to intrigue, which builds up desire. Think about it from his side. If you met a friend, and from the moment you meet him, he started revealing the most intimate details of his life, wouldn't you find that kind of...creepy? I mean, would you really want to get to know a guy if right off the bat if he told you he was obsessed with serial killers and executions? That's exactly how you come across to him in guy language if you seem like the typical emo girl or heavy romantic.

2. Always be available. Sure, once you get to the serious stage, always being there is very important. But when you've just met the guy, always being there can seem pushy at best. Think of food, for example. What is it that draws us to fancy, expensive restaurants? The fact that, well, it's rare. Why do girls love diamonds when it's only slightly stronger than lead? It's rare. Rare. Rare. Rare. That's the key word. If you're readily available, you become the lead and not the diamond. And in guy language, if you're always there, you're the girl he'd take to Taco Bell and pay separately, not the girl he'd treat to a glitzy $100 date.

3. Be emotional. Girls seem to be under the impression that if they wear their hearts on their sleeves, some guy will be immediately drawn to it and sweep them away. Trust me girls, from experience, THIS IS NOT TRUE. No guy will sweep you off your feet just because you're open about the way you feel. In fact, that's a turnoff. Know those politicians we hate because they have such extreme views? Or the people we try to stray away from because they have such avid opinions on the smallest things? Person A: "Oh I got an A on a test today!" Person B: "A's are for pretentious pricks who feel like they need a letter grade to tell them they're smart." Well, as much as you hate those strongly opinionated people, so do guys. And a girl that wears her emotions on her sleeve just seems like trouble...and too much drama for even the most emo guys to handle.

4. Be clingy. This one is a killer for the girls. So he seems to be drawing seem to be losing feels like it's killing you. So what? Lose him. Trust me, no matter how hard you cling, if he's going to disappear on you, he's going to disappear on you. So just...let him go. In fact, if you let him go, you have a 50% chance that he'll realize how much he misses you, and come back to you. And if he doesn't? Well, let's just say, your being clingy would've only made him slip away faster.

5. Be personal. "Whenever you need me, I'll be there." Sure. You're a girl, and you'd probably be swept away if a guy said that to you. But guys? They're from another planet, remember? Saying "I'll always be there" sounds more like the serial stalker that won't leave you alone rather than the sincere girlfriend. Besides, a guy will be severely skeptical about what the intentions of someone they just met is, when she moves to be close so fast. Remember, your closest friendships took time. So do relationships. They don't happen overnight like they do in the movies.

6. Try to make him jealous. You feel like a little jealousy won't hurt, right? It'll make you seem more valuable and wanted? WRONG. How do you feel when you find out a guy just cheated on you? Hurt? Confused? Could it be...jealous? And that is exactly jealousy's nature and where it belongs. Sure, jealousy is a thing that sometimes occurs naturally, but when you try to make your significant other jealous, it just feels wrong. It's also malicious and makes him question your motives.

Besides, if you're already flirting with another guy now, how does he know you're really that into him? Or will remain faithful to him in the long run? Any guy would choose a girl that's confident enough in her worth not to make him jealous over a girl who's insecure and feels jealousy mind games will somehow make him like her better.

7. In short, do what you want him to do you. You have to remember that what attracts girls to guys is not what attracts guys to girls. While a gleam in a guy's eye may leave your heart pounding, a nice figure will probably leave another part of the guy's pounding. So don't say, act, or do any of the cliche things they show in movies in hopes he'll do the same for you someday. They're movies and fantasies for a reason. If those scenarios actually existed in real life, we wouldn't be paying $10/each to see them on the big screen.

How to Win His Heart

Now, this is the part you've probably all been waiting for. Now that you've heard all the things you shouldn't do, what do you do to make him fall in love with you?

1. Patience. You have to remember although even the greatest, most epic romances you've seen on television set takes place on your screen for an hour thirty minutes, the span in the movie often elapses over years. This is true for real life too. Although you've always known those perfect old couples to be that...old. Their love was the fruit of a seed sown 50 years ago. And sure, sometimes people authentically meet someone overnight and they fall madly in love with each other and live happily together for the rest of their life. But with the growing divorce rate (greater than half), the chances of this legendary loves story is just as it sounds...legendary.

The reason lotteries exist is because everyone believes that they are the lucky 0.001%. The belief it'll eventually happen is why people have huge gambling debts. To gamble your whole life away on a 0.001% luck of the draw seems hardly worth it - especially if love is that important to you. So stop wanting it. Stop looking around every corner to see if that guy's the one. If a guy likes you, let him take his time expressing it. Because, if you want to keep a guy, keep time on his watch, not yours.

2. Be exciting but not always available. We all know the saying that when you have too much honey, it'll make you sick, right? The same rule applies for love. You can be the most exciting, exhilarating, wittiest girl in the world, but if you're always there, after a while you'll seem...plain. Too much of you and you'll seem...too much. So if he asks you out and you already have plans; you already have plans. Don't blow your friends off and cancel your plans just for the guy. Trust me, he wouldn't. (Unless he's expecting action, of course). Blowing a guy off once in a while excites his primal lust for the hunt. No guy brags about the deer that just jumped right in front of him and he shot. But he will brag about going into the depths of the mountain and across oceans for that one mystical doe...

3. Think about what he wants, not just what you think he wants. Think about it, if a guy gave you flowers when you've been dropping hints for months that you want jewelry, would the flowers not disappoint you...if even a little? Make you wonder if he really understood you? That's the same thing for guys. If you invite him home for a massage because you think massages feel good, instead of paying attention to the fact that he just studied late with his friends and would rather have a pizza with the guys, he'll feel the same way too.

4. Be unconditional. This one is NOT to be confused with the earlier telling him "I'll always be there." That is still a guy turnoff. Being unconditional means that if he slips up, does the most wretched thing, you'll still take him back. If you really want him to open up, trust you, confide in you like you expressed earlier, then you'll forgive him when he makes those huge slip-ups. That's what builds true trust and durability. That doesn't mean if he tells you he cheats on you, you just jump out and go, "I don't care, I love you anyways!" By all means, let him know the severity of his act and let him reap the repercussions. But if he makes a pass at a girl that he doesn't go through with, and you caught him in the act...and you can tell that he is authentically, heart-felt fully sorry, then forgive him. Forgive him for his big mistakes now, and he'll forgive you when you're a little too clingy or act a little too jealous.

5. Be affectionate. Guys hate to admit it, but they like being special too. Although they might feel uncomfortable to see you drawing hearts around their names, when you buy them the watch that they've been drooling over for months, you just might win their hearts. For my anniversary with my current boyfriend, I got him a camera that was not within my budget (nearly $400) that was the exact one he wanted. Up until then I had been a near perfect girlfriend (with a few screw ups, obviously). At the end of the night, I told him that our relationship wasn't what I wanted, and probably would never be, so we had to break up. We held each other, and for the first time in years, he let himself cry. He later told me that was the night he authentically fell in love with me.

Although that seems the cliche puller, that really was the tipping point. With a year of built up affection, even the hardest rocks may crack (and trust me, he was a tough one!). Since then, I've often been the bad girlfriend while he often plays the part of the unconditional "always there" boyfriend. Because, once affection gets to him and he authentically lets you in, you're in for good. And you'll probably be one of the girls that he'll never forget (especially if you're one of the only people to see him cry.)

6. In short, be attentive to him, and not who your ideal guy should be. If you want to keep the guy, and not the idea of having a guy...If you don't try to force the puzzle pieces to make the guy who you want him to be...If you really want him, for him, then you will follow this: Find out who he really is. Find out what makes him tick. Pay close attention as he slowly unravels and don't push his speed. When you pay close attention to what he wants, you'll finally get what you want. He might even change for you. But trust me, humans innately aren't programmed to go and become another person's ideal partner. Thus if you're attentive to him, he'll eventually grow attentive to you. When I asked once what my boyfriend like about me the most, he answered "how much you love me". As much as I hated the answer, I knew it was true. The fact that I was willing to pay so close attention to him and really care for him as an individual is the reason he grew to love me deeply. As a girl, you might often brag about your individuality and wanting a guy to be sensitive to your need. Well, that guy will come to you...if you're sensitive to his needs first.

One final afterthought, just remember that no prince charming will ride in on a brilliant stallion and save you. But if you're the farmer who plants the seed and sows it with care, you might find out that he really is a rogue prince run away from an evil situation. Your prince charming will never come to you, but if you play your cards right, you just might come to him. And there just might be a happy ending.

So wherever your love life may take you, keep these ideas in your thoughts, and good luck reeling in your perfect ten.

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